Why your relationship feels hard (and why that's normal)

That awkward silence after the fight: is this normal?

Picture this: you and your partner just had a full-blown argument over something ridiculously small. Maybe it was about who left the lights on, or why the biryani wasn't spicy enough, or even the dreaded wedding guest list. Now, there's a heavy silence, and you're left wondering, "Is this what a relationship is actually supposed to feel like? Constant little battles and misunderstandings?" You're not alone, friend. Many young Indian couples secretly ask themselves: are relationships supposed to be hard, or is ours fundamentally broken?

Here's the straight-up truth: relationships do require effort. They're not always sunshine and roses, and that's perfectly normal. But here's the crucial distinction: there's a big difference between healthy effort that leads to growth and toxic struggles that leave you drained and questioning everything. The challenges you face can either be stepping stones to a stronger bond or red flags waving furiously. Understanding this difference is key to navigating your journey together, transforming potential pitfalls into opportunities for deeper connection.

The myth of effortless love: why fairy tales are misleading

Let's be real, Bollywood movies and Instagram reels paint a picture of perfect, effortless love. Everything just clicks. There are no awkward silences, no disagreements over finances, and certainly no debates about whose turn it is to call your in-laws. This romanticized view sets an unrealistic expectation that if you're truly meant to be, everything should just flow. It's a fantasy that can leave real couples feeling inadequate when their reality doesn't match the silver screen.

But here's the thing: real relationships are messy, beautiful, and require active participation. The idea that love should be easy, all the time, is a dangerous myth. It makes couples feel like failures when they encounter bumps in the road. When things get tough, instead of seeing it as a normal part of growth, they might think, "Maybe we're not right for each other." This couldn't be further from the truth. The constant pressure to maintain a facade of perfection can be more damaging than the problems themselves.

True love isn't about never having problems; it's about facing them together. It's about choosing to show up, even when it's uncomfortable. It's about understanding that growth often comes from navigating challenges, not avoiding them. So, let's ditch the fairy tale and embrace the beautiful, sometimes challenging, reality of building a life with someone. Your authentic journey, with all its quirks and efforts, is far more rewarding than any idealized fiction.

'Hard' vs. 'toxic': knowing the difference

Okay, so we've established that relationships require effort. But how do you tell if the "hard" you're experiencing is the healthy, growth-inducing kind, or the draining, toxic kind? This distinction is vital for your well-being and the longevity of your bond. It's about understanding the underlying dynamics and whether they lead to mutual respect and progress, or to resentment and emotional damage.

Healthy 'hard' looks like:

• Growth and compromise: You're learning to adapt to each other's quirks, preferences, and even annoying habits. This might mean compromising on weekend plans, adjusting your expectations about cleanliness, or finding a middle ground on family visits. It's tough, but you both feel heard and valued in the process, leading to a stronger, more flexible partnership.
• Tough conversations: Discussing finances, future plans, differing opinions on parenting, or even uncomfortable past experiences can be challenging. But these conversations are productive, leading to understanding and solutions, even if they take time and patience. You both approach them with a desire to resolve, not to win.
• Navigating differences: Research from the Gottman Institute shows that 69% of relationship problems are perpetual and never get fully resolved. These are often personality differences or fundamental needs. Healthy 'hard' means learning to live with and respect these differences, rather than trying to change your partner. It's about accepting them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
• Mutual effort: Both partners are actively engaged in finding solutions, listening, and making an effort to understand each other. It feels like you're on the same team, even when facing an obstacle. There's a sense of shared responsibility and a willingness to meet each other halfway.
• Emotional safety: Even during disagreements, you feel safe to express your true feelings without fear of judgment, ridicule, or retaliation. You know your partner cares about your emotional well-being.

Toxic 'hard' feels like:

• Constant emotional drain: You feel exhausted, anxious, or perpetually sad after interactions. The relationship consistently depletes your energy rather than recharging it. It leaves you feeling hollow and depleted, questioning your own worth.
• One-sided effort: You're always the one compromising, apologizing, or trying to fix things. Your partner rarely reciprocates, leaving you feeling alone in the struggle. This imbalance leads to deep resentment and burnout.
• Disrespect and invalidation: Your feelings are dismissed, your opinions are mocked, or you're constantly criticized. There's a lack of basic respect for your individuality, and your partner may actively undermine your self-esteem.
• Control and manipulation: Your partner tries to control your actions, friendships, or choices. Gaslighting (making you doubt your own reality), guilt-tripping, or emotional blackmail are common tactics. You might feel isolated from your support system.
• Fear and insecurity: You walk on eggshells, afraid to express yourself or make mistakes. The relationship makes you feel less worthy, not more, fostering a constant state of anxiety and self-doubt.
• Lack of trust: There's a persistent feeling that you can't rely on your partner, or that they are not being honest. This erodes the foundation of any healthy relationship.

If your relationship leans towards the 'toxic hard,' it's a significant sign to seek professional help or re-evaluate the dynamic. A study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that 70% of couples who attend therapy report positive improvements, showing that help is available and effective. Prioritizing your mental and emotional health is paramount.

The Indian context: unique pressures and expectations

For young Indian couples, the "hard" of a relationship often comes with an extra layer of complexity. Our cultural context brings unique pressures that can test even the strongest bonds. It's not just about two individuals; it's often about two families, traditions, and societal expectations merging, creating a unique set of challenges that require careful navigation.

Family dynamics and joint living

Whether it's navigating the intricacies of a joint family setup or balancing expectations from both sets of parents, family dynamics can be a significant source of stress. Decisions about festivals, finances, or even daily routines often involve more than just the couple. This requires immense patience, communication, and a united front. Learning to set healthy boundaries while respecting elders is a delicate dance many Indian couples master.

Arranged vs. love marriages

Couples in arranged marriages often face the "hard" of getting to know each other deeply after the wedding, sometimes under the watchful eyes of family. This requires intentional effort to build intimacy and understanding from the ground up. Love marriages, while starting with a strong emotional connection, might face resistance or judgment from families, adding external pressure to prove their choice was right. Both paths have their unique challenges, demanding different kinds of effort and resilience.

Career and relocation stress

India's fast-paced career landscape often means one partner might need to relocate for work, leading to long-distance relationship challenges. Or, balancing two demanding careers while managing household responsibilities and family expectations can feel like a constant juggle. These external factors add to the internal "work" of maintaining a strong connection, requiring couples to be highly adaptable and supportive of each other's ambitions.

Societal expectations and financial pressures

Beyond immediate family, societal norms around marriage, children, and financial stability can weigh heavily. There might be pressure to buy a home, have children within a certain timeframe, or achieve specific career milestones. These external benchmarks can create internal stress and disagreements if not openly discussed and managed as a team.

The key is to acknowledge these unique pressures. Don't let them make you feel like your struggles are abnormal. They're part of the journey for many Indian couples, and tackling them together with empathy and a shared vision can actually strengthen your bond, making you a formidable team.

Making relationship work feel lighter: it doesn't have to be heavy

So, if relationships are supposed to be hard, how do we make that "hard" feel less like a chore and more like an adventure? The secret lies in reframing how we approach relationship building. It doesn't have to be heavy, clinical, or feel like therapy every time. In fact, injecting fun and curiosity can transform the entire experience.

Modern couples are discovering that interactive tools can spark conversations and deepen understanding without the pressure. Instead of sitting down for a "serious talk," they're using fun, engaging methods to learn about each other's preferences, dreams, and even pet peeves. This is where the concept of "relationship work" transforms into "relationship play." For instance, apps like BaeDrop's Epic Vibes make it fun to learn what your partner actually thinks about everything from future plans to silly preferences, turning self-discovery into a delightful game.

Here's how to lighten the load:

• Gamify your connection: Turn understanding each other into a game. Quizzes, challenges, or even just asking each other fun, unexpected questions can reveal surprising insights and create laughter. This playful approach reduces tension and opens up new avenues for connection.
• Schedule 'fun time': Don't just schedule date nights; schedule dedicated "fun time" where the only goal is to enjoy each other's company without any agenda or serious discussions. This could be a movie night, a walk in the park, or trying a new hobby together.
• Celebrate small wins: Acknowledging and celebrating the little things – a shared laugh, a thoughtful gesture, successfully navigating a minor disagreement – builds a positive atmosphere. The Gottman Institute suggests a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio for long-term success. Focus on appreciating the good.
• Share responsibilities fairly: Distribute household chores, family obligations, and emotional labor fairly. When one partner feels overwhelmed, the relationship feels heavier for both. Openly discuss expectations and re-evaluate roles regularly to ensure balance.
• Practice active listening: Sometimes, all your partner needs is to feel heard. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly listen without interrupting or formulating your response. Validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with their perspective.
• Embrace shared experiences: Actively seek out new experiences together, whether it's trying a new cuisine, visiting a different city, or learning a new skill. Shared adventures create lasting memories and strengthen your bond.

When effort becomes draining: spotting the red flags

While effort is crucial, there's a point where it becomes draining, indicating a deeper issue. It's important to recognize when the "hard" is no longer healthy growth but a sign of a relationship that might be struggling to sustain itself in a positive way. This isn't about blaming anyone; it's about recognizing patterns that are detrimental to both partners' well-being and the health of the relationship.

Signs your effort might be draining you:

• You're constantly initiating: If you're always the one suggesting dates, starting conversations, or trying to resolve conflicts, it can lead to resentment and exhaustion. A healthy relationship requires mutual initiation and a balanced investment from both sides.
• Lack of reciprocity: You give and give, but rarely receive. Your emotional needs, support, or efforts are not being met by your partner, creating an imbalance that leaves you feeling unappreciated and alone.
• Feeling unheard or unseen: Despite your best efforts to communicate, your partner consistently dismisses your feelings, avoids difficult topics, or doesn't seem to understand your perspective. This can lead to profound loneliness within the relationship.
• Persistent negativity: If the overall tone of your relationship is consistently negative – marked by criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling – it's a significant red flag. These are often referred to as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationship research, and they are strong predictors of relationship breakdown.
• Erosion of self-worth: A relationship should make you feel better about yourself, not worse. If you find your confidence, self-esteem, or happiness diminishing, the effort you're putting in might be draining your spirit and eroding your sense of self.
• Isolation from support systems: If your partner discourages you from spending time with friends or family, or if you feel you can't confide in others about your relationship, it's a sign of unhealthy control and isolation.

Remember, healthy couple relationships are fundamental to a healthy society and individual well-being. If your relationship consistently feels draining, it's okay to seek support from friends, family, or a professional counselor. Your well-being is paramount, and recognizing these red flags is the first step towards a healthier path.

Navigating the 'hard' together: practical tips for Indian couples

So, how do you actively navigate the healthy "hard" of a relationship, especially with the unique Indian context in mind? It comes down to a few key strategies that foster understanding, resilience, and a sense of teamwork, allowing you to face challenges as a united front.

1. Master the art of active listening

This isn't just about hearing words; it's about understanding the emotion and intent behind them. When your partner talks about family pressure or career stress, listen without interrupting. Ask clarifying questions. Reflect what you hear: "So, what I'm hearing is that you're feeling overwhelmed by your parents' expectations for the wedding, is that right?" This makes them feel truly seen and understood, building a bridge of empathy.

2. Create a united front (especially with family)

When dealing with external pressures, particularly from family, it's crucial to present a united front. Discuss and agree on boundaries or responses beforehand. For example, if your parents are pushing for a specific career path for your partner, you both should be on the same page about how to address it respectfully but firmly. This protects your relationship from external interference and reinforces your partnership.

3. Schedule dedicated 'us' time

In the hustle and bustle of Indian life, with work, family, and social obligations, it's easy to let couple time slide. Make it a non-negotiable. This could be a weekly date night, a daily coffee together, or even just 15 minutes of uninterrupted conversation before bed. This dedicated time reinforces your bond and allows you to reconnect, away from distractions.

4. Learn each other's love languages

Understanding how your partner gives and receives love can transform your interactions. One might feel loved through words of affirmation, while another prefers acts of service or quality time. Once you know this, you can intentionally express love in a way that truly resonates with them, making your efforts more impactful and less frustrating. It's about speaking their emotional language.

5. Practice empathy and perspective-taking

Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes, especially when they're dealing with cultural expectations or family demands that might be different from your own. If your partner is adjusting to a new city for your career, acknowledge their sacrifices and offer support. Empathy builds bridges, reduces conflict, and fosters a deeper sense of understanding and compassion.

6. Manage expectations (yours and others')

Be realistic about what a relationship entails. It won't always be perfect, and that's okay. Also, learn to manage the expectations of family and society. You don't have to conform to every traditional norm if it doesn't align with your shared values. Openly discuss what works for your unique partnership.

Why self-care isn't selfish in a demanding relationship

In the midst of navigating relationship challenges and external pressures, it's easy to forget about your own well-being. But here's a secret: taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's essential for a healthy relationship. You can't pour from an empty cup, and a drained partner can't fully contribute to a thriving relationship.

Self-care can look different for everyone. It might mean taking time for your hobbies, spending time with your friends, meditating, exercising, or simply enjoying a quiet cup of chai. When you prioritize your mental and emotional health, you bring a more refreshed, resilient, and positive version of yourself to the relationship. This reduces stress, improves your mood, and makes you better equipped to handle the "hard" moments with grace and patience. Encourage your partner to practice self-care too, creating a culture of mutual support for individual well-being.

Final thoughts: embrace the journey, not just the destination

So, are relationships supposed to be hard? Yes, in the sense that they require conscious effort, growth, and navigating life's complexities together. But no, they shouldn't be a constant source of pain or emotional exhaustion. The "hard" parts are opportunities to deepen your connection, learn about each other, and build resilience as a team. They are the moments that forge a truly unbreakable bond.

Embrace the journey, with all its ups and downs. Focus on making the effort feel like an adventure you're on together, rather than a never-ending chore. With the right mindset and a few helpful tools, you can transform challenges into stepping stones for a truly epic love story.

Want to discover how well you really know your partner in a fun, pressure-free way? Try BaeDrop's Epic Vibes—it's like relationship work, but actually enjoyable.