Silent treatment: why it's hurting your Indian relationship

The silent treatment: India's favourite conflict resolution strategy?

Western relationship advice often shouts, "Never go to bed angry! Talk it out immediately!" But for many young Indian couples, the reality is a bit different. It's more like, "We haven't spoken in four days. Mom asked why we're both so quiet. We said we're fine." Sound familiar?

This is the silent treatment, a common, yet deeply damaging, pattern of conflict avoidance. Something happens, you're hurt, and instead of voicing it, you retreat into silence. You become cold, distant, responding to direct questions with one-word answers, avoiding eye contact, and sleeping facing away from each other.

Your partner knows you're upset, and you know they know. Everyone walks on eggshells, but nobody actually talks about what's wrong. Days, sometimes weeks, pass. Eventually, someone just… starts acting normal again. The issue? Never addressed. The hurt? Still there, just buried deeper, festering beneath the surface of your relationship.

What the silent treatment actually is

Let's be clear: the silent treatment isn't just about taking a moment to cool down. That's healthy space, a crucial tool for managing intense emotions. The silent treatment, however, is a deliberate refusal to communicate, often used to punish, manipulate, or control a partner. It's a power play disguised as peace, a passive-aggressive tactic that leaves deep emotional scars.

It's when one person withdraws completely from conversation, stonewalls, and ignores their partner's attempts to engage. This isn't about needing a few hours to process; it's about shutting down communication for an extended period, leaving the other person feeling isolated, confused, and desperate for connection. This deliberate emotional withdrawal can feel like a form of abandonment, even when physically present.

This behaviour, while seemingly passive, is actually a highly aggressive form of communication. It sends a clear message: "I'm punishing you, and I'm withholding my presence and affection until you figure out what you did wrong or give in." It forces your partner to guess your feelings and needs, creating a dynamic of fear and anxiety rather than understanding and intimacy.

Why conflict avoidance is common in Indian couples

In Indian culture, direct confrontation is often discouraged. We're taught from a young age that maintaining 'family peace' and 'harmony' (izzat) is paramount, even if it means suppressing our own feelings and needs. This cultural conditioning plays a huge role in why the silent treatment thrives in our relationships, often passed down through generations.

For women, there's often a societal expectation to be quiet, accommodating, and to avoid 'creating drama' or being seen as 'difficult.' For men, emotional expression is frequently seen as a sign of weakness, leading them to shut down and withdraw rather than engage in difficult conversations. These patterns are often learned directly from our parents, who might have used similar tactics to navigate their own conflicts, making it feel like a normal, albeit unhealthy, way to cope.

Research shows that 65% of respondents in an Indian family conflict study claimed to keep opinions and thoughts to themselves to avoid arguments or conflicts with family members. This widespread conflict avoidance means that instead of learning healthy ways to express disagreement, we learn to internalise and avoid, with the silent treatment becoming a default mechanism for managing discomfort.

Bollywood, too, has sometimes romanticised silence as a sign of deep understanding or intense emotion, further blurring the lines between healthy introspection and harmful withdrawal. If you've ever wondered how these cultural narratives impact your love life, our guide to Bollywood relationship myths might shed some light on the unrealistic expectations it sets.

The psychological damage of silent treatment in relationships

Here's the thing: the silent treatment isn't just annoying; it's genuinely harmful. Mental health research cited by Amaha Health reveals that silent treatment activates the same pain centers in the brain as physical injury, functioning as psychological warfare rather than conflict resolution. It's a form of emotional abuse that chips away at trust, intimacy, and the very foundation of your bond.

When you're on the receiving end, it can make you feel invisible, worthless, and desperate for validation. It creates intense anxiety, self-doubt, and a constant fear of saying or doing the 'wrong' thing. This emotional distress can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, and sleep disturbances. For the person giving the silent treatment, it prevents them from processing their emotions and finding real solutions, leading to resentment, unresolved issues, and a deepening sense of isolation.

Mindfulness and conflict resolution research indicates that conflict avoidance and withdrawal strategies were used more often by couples with lower relationship satisfaction, with a negative correlation found between withdrawal frequency and satisfaction levels. This means the more you use silence to avoid, the unhappier your relationship becomes, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of dissatisfaction.

Furthermore, Washington Post science-based relationship research highlights that avoiding or withdrawing from conflict deprives partners of the opportunity to improve the situation and potentially signals a lack of engagement in the relationship, leading to reduced satisfaction. It's a vicious cycle that erodes the very foundation of your bond, leaving both partners feeling unheard and unvalued.

Healthy alternatives to silent treatment in relationships

1. Ask for a timeout, don't just take one

• Say, "I need a break": Instead of just walking away or shutting down, clearly tell your partner you need some time to cool down and collect your thoughts. This shows respect and prevents them from feeling abandoned.
• Set a timeframe: "I need 30 minutes to collect my thoughts, then I'd like to talk about this." Or, "Let's revisit this after dinner." This reassures your partner that you're not abandoning the conversation, just pausing it.
• Revisit the issue: Always, always come back to the discussion. A timeout is for processing and calming down, not for avoiding the problem altogether. Make a commitment to reconnect.

2. Use "I feel" statements

• Focus on your emotions: Instead of accusatory language like "You always ignore me," try "I feel hurt when I'm not included in your plans." This shifts the focus from blame to your personal experience.
• Avoid blame: "I feel" statements make your partner less defensive and more open to hearing your perspective. They invite empathy rather than immediate rebuttal.
• Be specific: Describe the behaviour and its impact. "I feel unheard when you interrupt me" is more effective than "I feel bad."

3. Practice active listening

• Give full attention: Put away your phone, turn off the TV, make eye contact, and truly listen to what your partner is saying without interrupting or planning your response.
• Reflect back: "So, what I'm hearing is that you feel overwhelmed by my expectations. Is that right?" This shows you're engaged, helps clarify misunderstandings, and validates their feelings.
• Ask clarifying questions: "Can you tell me more about that?" or "What do you need from me right now?" These questions deepen understanding and show genuine interest.

Sometimes, after a heated moment, it's hard to just jump back into a serious conversation. Couples often find that using fun, structured activities or games helps them restart communication after a silent period without the awkwardness of a formal apology. If you're looking for a fun way to test this, BaeDrop's quizzes are surprisingly revealing and can act as a playful bridge back to connection.

4. Focus on the problem, not the person

• Separate the issue from identity: Frame discussions around the specific problem or behaviour, not as an attack on your partner's character. For example, instead of "You're so irresponsible," try "I'm concerned about how we manage our finances."
• Collaborate on solutions: Approach conflict as a team trying to solve a problem together, rather than adversaries. "How can we work together to fix this?"

Breaking the silence: action steps

1. Acknowledge the pattern: Both partners need to recognise that the silent treatment is happening and that it's damaging to the relationship.
2. Agree on a new rule: Decide together that you will no longer use the silent treatment as a coping mechanism.
3. Create a safe word: Have a word or phrase that signals, "I need a break, but I'm coming back to this." This provides a clear, non-confrontational way to pause.
4. Schedule check-ins: If a conflict arises, agree to discuss it within a specific timeframe (e.g., within 24 hours) to ensure issues are addressed and not left to fester.

How to respond when you're getting the silent treatment

Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment is incredibly frustrating and painful. It's crucial to respond in a way that protects your well-being while also trying to break the cycle without reinforcing the behaviour.

1. Don't chase or beg

While your instinct might be to chase your partner, beg for an explanation, or try to 'fix' things immediately, this often reinforces the behaviour. It teaches them that silence gets them attention or control. Instead, acknowledge their silence without engaging in a power struggle.

2. State your feelings calmly and set a boundary

Once, and calmly, express how their silence affects you. "When you go silent, I feel hurt and confused. I want to understand what's wrong, but I can't when you don't talk to me." Then, clearly state your boundary: "I'm here when you're ready to talk respectfully. Until then, I'm going to focus on my own activities." This shows you value yourself and won't tolerate being punished.

3. Focus on self-care

During these periods, it's easy to get consumed by anxiety, self-blame, and a desperate need for resolution. Engage in activities that bring you joy, spend time with friends and family, or pursue hobbies. This helps you maintain your emotional balance, reminds you of your self-worth, and shows your partner that your happiness isn't solely dependent on their mood or willingness to communicate.

4. Seek external support

Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about what you're experiencing. Having an outlet to process your feelings can prevent isolation and provide valuable perspective. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.

Rebuilding communication after a silent treatment pattern

1. Re-establish trust through consistency

The silent treatment erodes trust by creating unpredictability and emotional distance. Rebuilding it means consistently showing up, communicating openly, and following through on promises to discuss issues rather than withdraw. Small, consistent efforts to talk through minor disagreements can help build a new foundation of reliability and safety.

2. Practice vulnerability, step by step

Encourage both partners to share their feelings, even when it's uncomfortable. Start with less sensitive topics and gradually move towards deeper issues. This builds a foundation of emotional safety, where both feel secure enough to express their true selves without fear of punishment or judgment.

3. Seek professional help if needed

If the pattern is deeply ingrained, if communication attempts repeatedly fail, or if you find yourselves unable to break it on your own, consider couples counselling. A therapist can provide objective tools, mediate difficult conversations, and help you both understand the underlying dynamics at play, offering strategies tailored to your specific situation.

4. Set clear communication goals

Work together to define what healthy communication looks like for your relationship. This could include daily check-ins, weekly relationship talks, or specific ways to handle disagreements. Having clear goals provides a roadmap for improvement and accountability. For more inspiration, check out our guide to setting epic couple goals that foster genuine connection.

Breaking the cycle of the silent treatment is challenging, especially when it's a deeply ingrained cultural habit. But choosing to communicate openly, even when it's difficult, is one of the most powerful ways to build a stronger, more resilient, and truly connected relationship. It's a commitment to a future where understanding triumphs over silence.