Why perfect love is a myth: master romantic competence

Imagine this: you and your partner love each other deeply. You share dreams, laugh at silly memes, and navigate lifes big moments together. But then, the same old arguments pop up. Maybe its about managing finances, balancing family time, or just who does the dishes. You both feel misunderstood, frustrated, and wonder, "Are we missing something?"

Heres the thing: most of us arent taught how to build healthy relationships. Imagine spending years learning complex equations or historical dates, but when it comes to the most important relationship in your life, youre expected to just figure it out. No wonder so many couples feel lost when conflicts arise. Its like knowing what a delicious biryani tastes like, but having no idea how to cook it yourself, or even where to buy the right spices. The good news? Having a great relationship isnt about luck or finding a "perfect" partner. Its about a set of learnable skills. And just like any skill, you can absolutely learn and master it.

What is romantic competence?

Researchers have a fancy term for these learnable relationship skills: romantic competence. Dont let the academic name scare you! It simply means having the ability to function well in all parts of your relationship. Its about moving beyond just knowing what a healthy relationship looks like, to actually building one every single day. These arent just vague concepts; theyre concrete abilities that empower you to navigate every twist and turn of your shared journey.

Romantic competence breaks down into three core skills:

1. Insight: Knowing yourself and your partner deeply.
2. Mutuality: Balancing both your needs and your partners needs.
3. Emotion Regulation: Managing your feelings constructively, especially when things get tough.

Lets dive into each one with some real-life scenarios that many young Indian couples face.

Insight: knowing yourself and your partner

Insight is all about awareness. Its understanding your own triggers, your partners quirks, and the unspoken dynamics in your relationship. Its like having a special lens that lets you see beneath the surface, understanding not just whats happening, but why its happening.

Scenario 1: the silent treatment after a long day

Rohan comes home from a demanding job, stressed and quiet. Priya sees his silence and thinks, "Hes upset with me." She starts to feel hurt and distant. Instead of jumping to conclusions, Priya, armed with insight, might pause. She remembers Rohans pattern: after a tough day, he retreats to recharge. "He isnt mad at me," shed think, "hes just running on empty." When Rohan eventually surfaces, Priya can approach him with empathy: "Rough day, love? Want to talk about it later, or just chill?" Rohan, with insight into his own need for space, might proactively say, "Hey, Im really drained today. I need a bit of quiet time to decompress, but its not about you at all." This simple, informed understanding prevents a small moment from spiraling into a big, hurtful misunderstanding.

Scenario 2: understanding family pressures

Your partner, Anjali, seems unusually stressed about an upcoming family gathering. You might assume shes just nervous. But with insight, you remember her family tends to ask intrusive questions about marriage plans or career choices. You realise her stress isnt about the event itself, but about managing expectations, avoiding intrusive questions, or dealing with comparisons to cousins. This insight allows you to offer targeted support, not just generic sympathy. You might say, "Hey, I know how those family gatherings can be. How about we come up with a few polite deflections for those nosy questions, or we can make an early exit if it gets too much?"

Scenario 3: different love languages

Consider a couple, Diya and Sameer. Diya feels loved through "words of affirmation," while Sameer expresses love through "acts of service." Diya might feel neglected if Sameer just fixes things around the house without saying "I love you," while Sameer might feel unappreciated if Diya doesnt notice his efforts. With insight, they learn each others primary love languages. Diya then understands Sameers actions as love, and Sameer makes an effort to verbally express his affection more often. This awareness transforms their interactions, ensuring both feel genuinely cherished.

Mutuality: balancing both peoples needs

Mutuality is the art of the two-way street. Its about finding that sweet spot where both partners feel heard, valued, and that their individual needs are met, even when those needs seem to pull in different directions. Its not about keeping score, but about finding a harmonious balance that truly works for both of you, making your relationship a partnership, not a competition.

Scenario 4: the weekend plans dilemma

Arjun loves spending his weekends chilling at home, watching movies. Meera, on the other hand, thrives on social outings and exploring new places. Without mutuality, they might constantly argue about weekend plans, with one person always feeling like theyre sacrificing their desires. With mutuality, they approach it as a team. They might say, "Okay, this Saturday, lets try that new cafe you wanted to visit, and Sunday, we can have a cozy movie marathon at home, complete with your favourite snacks." Or, "Ill go to the gym with you in the morning if you join me for my cousins sangeet in the evening." Its about creative give and take, finding common ground, and sometimes, happily pursuing separate interests knowing youll reconnect later.

Scenario 5: career vs. family expectations

Many young Indian couples face pressure to prioritise family over individual career ambitions, or vice-versa. One partner might have a demanding job that requires late hours, while the other feels neglected or pressured by family to spend more time together. Mutuality means openly discussing these pressures without judgment. It could involve one partner saying, "I know my job is intense right now, and Im really pushing for this promotion, but I promise to dedicate all of Sunday to us, completely unplugged." The other might respond, "I understand your ambition. Can we at least have dinner together every night, even if its late, so we get that daily connection?" Its about acknowledging both realities, respecting individual aspirations, and finding a solution that supports both individuals and the relationship.

Scenario 6: household chores and fairness

Take Maya and Rahul, who both work full-time. Maya feels she does most of the household chores, leading to resentment. Rahul, meanwhile, feels he handles all the outdoor errands and bill payments. Without mutuality, this becomes a silent battle. With mutuality, they sit down and list all responsibilities. They realize their contributions are different but equally valuable. They then decide to re-distribute tasks more equitably, or perhaps hire help for certain chores, ensuring neither feels overburdened or unappreciated. Its about creating a sense of shared responsibility and fairness.

Emotion regulation: managing feelings constructively

Emotion regulation is about keeping your cool when things heat up. Its the ability to manage your own emotions in a healthy way, preventing them from overwhelming you or spilling over negatively onto your partner. This doesnt mean suppressing your feelings or pretending everything is fine. Instead, its about acknowledging your emotions, understanding their source, and choosing how to express them in a way that strengthens your bond, rather than damaging it. Its about taking a pause before you react, allowing logic and empathy to guide your response.

Scenario 7: the delayed text message panic

Your partner, Sameer, hasnt replied to your text in three hours. Your mind starts racing: "Is he ignoring me? Is he upset? Is he with someone else?" Your heart pounds, and you feel a surge of anger or anxiety. Emotion regulation means taking a deep breath and challenging those initial, often negative, assumptions. You might tell yourself, "Hes probably just busy at work, stuck in traffic, or in a meeting. I dont need to panic-text him five times or jump to conclusions that will only make me more anxious." Instead of reacting impulsively, you choose to wait patiently, or send a calm, non-demanding follow-up later, trusting your partner.

Scenario 8: navigating wedding planning stress

Wedding planning in India can be incredibly stressful, with countless decisions, family opinions, and financial pressures. You and your partner, Pooja, are arguing about the guest list. You feel frustrated, unheard, and want to lash out. Emotion regulation allows you to pause and recognize your rising anger. You might say, "Im feeling really overwhelmed and frustrated by this guest list discussion right now. My emotions are running high, and I dont want to say something Ill regret. Can we take a 15-minute break, grab some water, and come back to it with fresh minds? I want to talk about this calmly and find a solution together." This prevents an argument from escalating into hurtful words and allows for a more productive conversation later.

Scenario 9: dealing with criticism

Imagine one partner, Sameer, offers constructive criticism about how his wife, Kavya, handled a family situation. Kavya immediately feels attacked and defensive, ready to snap back. With emotion regulation, Kavya takes a moment. She acknowledges her defensiveness but chooses to listen to Sameers perspective without interrupting. She might then say, "I hear what youre saying, and I understand why you feel that way. I felt a bit defensive at first, but I want to understand your point better." This allows for a difficult conversation to become an opportunity for growth, rather than a heated argument.

How these skills predict relationship success

The cool part about romantic competence is that its not just a feel-good theory; its backed by solid, scientific research. These skills arent just nice to have; they are crucial predictors of how happy, healthy, and resilient your relationship will be.

• Higher Satisfaction & Better Mental Health: Young adults with higher romantic competence report fewer depressive symptoms and greater relationship satisfaction, according to research published in PMC journals. This means couples who actively work on these skills tend to be happier and more content together. In fact, studies even show that 13-14 year old girls with greater romantic competence felt more secure in relationships and had better mental health outcomes. Imagine the profound, lasting impact these foundational skills can have on adult relationships, fostering a sense of security and well-being for both partners.
• Managing Conflict: While its a myth that happy couples never fight – disagreements are a natural part of any close bond – how you fight matters immensely. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems, often stemming from fundamental personality differences. But heres the key: couples with high romantic competence learn to manage these recurring issues effectively, preventing them from eroding the relationship. They dont eliminate conflict, they transform it into an opportunity for deeper understanding and growth.
• Positive Communication: Its not just about avoiding negativity; its about actively fostering positivity. Longitudinal research across three major studies found that couples who communicate more positively than is typical for them experience significantly higher relationship satisfaction. These skills help you shift from negative communication patterns – like criticism or defensiveness – to more constructive ones, building a cycle of affirmation and mutual respect.

Essentially, building romantic competence equips you with the tools to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life together, making you a stronger, more resilient, and deeply connected couple. Its about actively shaping your love story, rather than passively letting it unfold.

Practical ways to build these skills daily

So, how do you actually start building these powerful skills? Its simpler than you think. Its not about grand, dramatic gestures, but about small, consistent daily practices that gradually transform your interactions and deepen your bond.

• Practice active listening: When your partner talks, truly listen with your full attention. Put your phone down, make eye contact, and resist the urge to interrupt or formulate your response. Try to understand their perspective and feelings completely before forming your own thoughts. A simple "Tell me more" can open up worlds.
• Use "I feel" statements: Instead of saying, "You always make me feel ignored when youre on your phone," try, "I feel a bit disconnected and ignored when were talking and youre looking at your phone." This expresses your emotion and its impact without blaming, making your partner more receptive to hearing you.
• Ask open-ended questions: Go beyond simple "How was your day?" questions. Ask things like, "What was the most interesting or challenging thing that happened today?" or "Whats something youre looking forward to this week, or something youre worried about?" This encourages deeper conversation and reveals more about their inner world.
• Schedule check-ins: In our busy lives, intentional connection is key. Dedicate 10-15 minutes each day for distraction-free conversation. No TV, no phones, just you two. Talk about your day, your feelings, your dreams, or anything on your mind. This consistent ritual builds a strong emotional bank account.
• Reflect on arguments: After a disagreement, when emotions have cooled, take some time individually to think about what happened. What triggered you? What was your underlying need? What could you have done differently? Later, share these reflections with your partner, not to rehash the fight, but to learn and grow together. "I realized I got defensive because I felt unheard. Next time, Ill try to express that more calmly."

Many couples are finding fun, interactive ways to practice insight and mutuality, turning skill-building into a playful game rather than homework. For example, using relationship quizzes can be a surprisingly revealing way to discover how well you truly know your partners preferences, communication style, and even their hidden dreams. Apps like BaeDrop make it fun to learn what your partner actually thinks and needs, offering a low-pressure environment to explore sensitive topics and deepen your understanding of each other.

Small steps, lasting connection

Building romantic competence isnt about being perfect; its about being intentional and consistent. Its about showing up for your relationship every single day, even in small ways. Each honest conversation, each moment of understanding, each time you manage your emotions constructively, youre strengthening the very foundation of your love. Its a continuous journey of learning and practice, and its one of the most rewarding journeys youll ever take together. Your relationship isnt just something that happens to you; its something you actively build, day by day, with skill and love.