Why saying "it's okay" isn't forgiveness: the truth about Indian relationships

The "theek hai" trap

"I've forgiven him," she says. Her jaw is tight. Her arms are crossed. Three months after a major argument about finances, Meera says all the right words. She has told him she has moved past it. She has told her mother it is fine now. She has told herself that holding grudges is immature.

But every time he is five minutes late, she wonders if he is lying again. Every time he checks his phone, she feels that twist in her stomach. Every fight—no matter how small—somehow circles back to "well, after what you did..."

This isn't forgiveness. This is performance.

And we are really good at it in India. We are raised to "move on," to "not make a big deal," and to prioritize family harmony over personal healing. We say "theek hai" (it's okay) when absolutely nothing is okay. We push down hurt because expressing it feels like weakness or drama.

But here is the thing: suppressed hurt doesn't disappear. It transforms into resentment, distance, and eventually, explosions over things that seem completely unrelated, like wet towels on the bed or forgotten groceries. Real forgiveness is different. It is not quick. It is not easy. And it is definitely not about pretending something didn't happen.

What forgiveness actually means (and what it doesn't)

Before we talk about how to forgive, we need to clear up the massive confusion about what forgiveness actually is. Most of us think forgiveness means saying, "What you did is fine."

It absolutely does not mean that.

Forgiveness is the conscious choice to release the grip that a hurt has on you. It is deciding that you will no longer let a past event dictate your present emotional state. It is not for the other person; it is for you. Think of it like a debt. When someone hurts you, they owe you. Forgiveness is canceling the debt, not because they paid it back, but because you are tired of being the debt collector.

Here is what forgiveness is not:

• It is not forgetting: You don't get amnesia just because you forgave. You remember the lesson, but you release the pain associated with the memory.
• It is not condoning: You can forgive someone while still believing their action was wrong, hurtful, and unacceptable.
• It is not reconciliation: You can forgive someone and still decide not to be in a relationship with them. Trust and forgiveness are two separate tracks.
• It is not a feeling: You won't wake up one day simply "feeling" forgiving. It is a deliberate action you take, often repeatedly, until the feeling catches up.

Why forgiveness matters for relationship health

Holding onto anger feels powerful in the moment. It feels like a shield. If you stay angry, you think they can't hurt you again. But that shield is heavy, and eventually, it crushes the connection between you.

Science backs this up. Research shows that the tendency to forgive a romantic partner increases relationship satisfaction by reducing negative conflict tactics. Basically, couples who forgive stop fighting dirty. They stop bringing up the past to win the present argument.

Another study found that couples who reported forgiving after conflict were happier nine weeks later than those who held onto the grudge. It is an investment in your future happiness. When you forgive, you are essentially cleaning the slate so you can write a new story together.

Beyond your relationship, it is literally good for your heart. Johns Hopkins Medicine reports that the act of forgiveness can lower the risk of heart attack, improve cholesterol levels, and reduce anxiety and stress. Refusing to forgive is essentially drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Why Indian couples struggle with healthy forgiveness

In our cultural context, forgiveness often gets confused with "adjustment." From a young age, many of us—especially women, though it happens to men too—are taught that a "good" partner is one who tolerates things silently.

We see our parents or grandparents brushing major issues under the rug to keep the peace. We learn that bringing up old hurts is "nagging" or "disrespectful." So, we skip the processing part and jump straight to the "it's okay" part. We prioritize the appearance of a happy relationship over the reality of a healthy one.

This leads to a buildup of silent resentment. You might stop arguing, but you also stop sharing jokes. You stop being vulnerable. You become roommates who walk on eggshells. The silence isn't peace; it's just a ceasefire.

If you feel like you're stuck in this cycle, you might want to read our guide on why silent resentment builds up in Indian marriages to understand the root cause better.

The 4-step forgiveness process

If you are ready to move from fake forgiveness to the real deal, you need a roadmap. You can't just wish it away. You have to walk through it.

1. Acknowledge the hurt

You cannot forgive what you haven't admitted hurt you. Stop minimizing it. Stop saying "it was just a joke" or "I shouldn't be sensitive." Admit that it hurt. Name the feeling: betrayal, embarrassment, loneliness, fear. Write it down if you have to. Validate your own pain before you try to heal it.

2. Process the emotion

This is the messy part. You need to feel the anger and the sadness. Talk about it with a trusted friend, write it in a journal, or sit with it. In a relationship, this often means telling your partner exactly how their action impacted you—not to shame them, but to be heard.

Sometimes, we struggle to articulate these feelings because we don't fully understand our own emotional triggers. Apps like BaeDrop can be incredibly helpful here, offering quizzes that help you and your partner uncover your deeper emotional styles and reactions.

3. Decide to forgive

Once the emotion has been felt, you make a choice. This is a cognitive shift. You decide, "I am not going to let this hurt control my behavior toward you anymore." It is a promise to yourself to stop using this incident as ammunition. It is drawing a line in the sand.

4. Release and repair

This is the ongoing work. When the memory pops up (and it will), you remind yourself of your decision. You actively choose to engage with your partner positively. You rebuild the bridge. This doesn't mean you trust them instantly, but it means you are open to letting them earn that trust back.

When forgiveness is possible vs. when it's not

We need to be very clear here: forgiveness is not a free pass for abuse. There is a massive difference between a partner who made a mistake and is willing to change, and a partner who repeatedly hurts you with no remorse.

Forgiveness is healthy when:

• The partner takes full responsibility (no "I'm sorry, but...").
• There is a genuine effort to change behavior.
• The hurt was a mistake or a lapse in judgment, not a pattern of control.

Forgiveness might need to be done from a distance when:

• There is physical or emotional abuse.
• The partner refuses to acknowledge the harm.
• The behavior is a chronic pattern that destroys your self-esteem.

If you are struggling to tell the difference, check out our article on distinguishing healthy disagreements from toxic fights.

Building a forgiving relationship culture

The goal isn't just to forgive one big thing; it is to build a culture where forgiveness is the norm for the small things. You forgot to call? Forgiven. You snapped because you were hungry? Forgiven.

You build this culture by creating an "emotional bank account" filled with positive interactions. When you have a strong foundation of fun, laughter, and connection, it is much easier to forgive the withdrawals that happen during conflicts.

This is where shared activities come in. Doing new things together, laughing at bad jokes, or exploring new places creates a buffer against stress. Studies show that willingness to forgive fosters better outcomes, but that willingness comes from feeling connected. When you feel like a team, a mistake feels like a hurdle you jump over together, not a wall that separates you.

If you are looking for practical steps to start this today, here are 8 actionable ways to fix resentment and rebuild connection.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is the ultimate power move in a relationship. It is not about being a doormat; it is about being strong enough to prioritize your peace and your partnership over your ego.

It takes time. You might forgive someone today and feel angry again tomorrow. That is normal. Just keep choosing to release the grip. Your relationship—and your own heart—will thank you for it.