Why silent resentment kills Indian marriages: the hidden signs

The silent struggle in Indian marriages

Priya moved to Bangalore when she got married, leaving her job in Mumbai, her friends, and her whole life behind. Two years later, she is living with her in-laws, cooking for eight people, and her husband still introduces her as "my wife" to his friends—never by her name. When she brings it up, he says, "That's just how things are done in our family." She smiles, nods, and goes back to the kitchen, but inside, a quiet storm is brewing.

Sound familiar? This scenario plays out in thousands of homes across India every day. While Western relationship advice talks about "setting boundaries" and "me time" like it's simple, Indian couples know the reality is far more complex. You aren't just marrying a person; you are marrying a family, a set of traditions, and a heavy backpack of expectations that often feels too heavy to carry alone.

Resentment in Indian marriages isn't usually about one big explosion. It is the slow accumulation of unsaid things. It is the "okay" you say when you mean "no." It is the holiday you spent with in-laws when you desperately needed a break. It is the silence that fills the room when you realize your partner is more married to their parents' expectations than to you. If we don't talk about these culturally specific triggers, they fester until the relationship feels like a cage.

The "good wife/husband" trap

In India, we are raised on the concept of "adjusting." From a young age, we are taught that a good partner—especially a good daughter-in-law—is someone who compromises without complaint. This cultural ideal is the first seed of resentment. We confuse silence with respect and suppression with harmony.

You suppress your need for space because you don't want to seem rude to visiting relatives. You agree to financial decisions you hate because you don't want to disrespect elders. Over time, these small silences stack up. Research indicates that Indian couples anticipate facing more difficulties due to stronger endorsement of traditional gender roles compared to Western couples. When you constantly prioritize the image of a "perfect marriage" over your actual feelings, you stop being partners and start being performers.

This performance is exhausting. You might find yourself looking at your partner and thinking, "Why don't they see how much I'm giving up?" But because you have played the role of the "accommodating spouse" so well, they might genuinely believe you are happy. This gap between your internal reality and your external behavior is where resentment thrives.

When in-laws become the third wheel

Let's be real: in-law dynamics are a massive source of tension in our culture. It is not always about the dramatic "saas-bahu" fights you see on TV serials. Often, it is the subtle, daily interference—the "remote-control in-laws" who have a say in everything from what you cook for dinner to when you should have a baby.

According to experts, problems with in-laws are a leading cause of relationship stress. In fact, reports suggest that issues with in-laws are the second most common reason for marital discord in India, right after infidelity. Even couples living separately often feel this pressure. Resentment builds not because you hate your family, but because you feel like a guest in your own marriage.

You might feel angry at your partner for not standing up for you, while they feel torn between being a good child and a good spouse. This is the classic "sandwich" dilemma many Indian men face, and the "outsider" syndrome many Indian women experience. When your partner prioritizes their parents' comfort over your emotional safety repeatedly, it sends a painful message: "You are second place."

The career sacrifices nobody talks about

In modern urban India, we have dual-career couples, but we often still have single-gender expectations. You might both work 9-to-5 jobs, but who is expected to manage the maid, plan the dinner menu, remember birthdays, and take the day off when the child is sick?

Studies show that among Indian dual-career couples, women face significantly greater stress due to primary caregiving roles, leading to frequent disagreements. About 35.3% of males and 25.6% of females reported daily disagreements regarding parental responsibilities. This isn't just about doing dishes; it's about the mental load.

This imbalance breeds a specific kind of resentment. It is the feeling of being undervalued. It is the exhaustion of carrying the "mental load" alone while your partner thinks they are helping by just "babysitting" their own kids occasionally. When one partner feels like the household manager and the other acts like a reluctant employee, romance quickly dies.

The parenting pressure cooker

If marriage brings expectations, parenthood brings an avalanche. In the Indian context, parenting is rarely a two-person job; it's a community project. Everyone from your mother-in-law to your distant aunt has an opinion on how you should raise your child. This external noise often causes conflict between the couple.

One partner might want to follow modern parenting styles, while the other insists on traditional methods to please the grandparents. Research highlights that co-parenting disagreement and perceived injustice significantly mediate marital detachment. When you feel your partner is undermining your parenting decisions to keep the peace with others, trust erodes.

This frustration often manifests as snapping at each other over small things. You aren't really fighting about the spilled milk; you are fighting about the fact that you feel unsupported in your role as a parent. Recognizing this pattern is crucial before it turns into emotional distance.

The arranged vs. love marriage expectation gap

Both setups come with their own resentment triggers. In love marriages, the refrain is often, "You chose this, so deal with it." If you struggle with your partner's family, you might feel you lost the right to complain because you fought to be with them. You swallow your pain to prove that your choice was right.

In arranged marriages, the pressure is different: "It takes time to adjust." You are often told to wait it out, to be patient, to let love grow. But while you are waiting, resentment grows instead. This creates a gap where you can't express dissatisfaction without feeling like you have failed. You might look at your partner and wonder if they truly understand you, or if they are just playing the role society assigned them.

This is where self-awareness becomes critical. You need to understand what is actually bothering you versus what you think "should" bother you. Tools like BaeDrop's relationship quizzes can help you understand your attachment styles and personality patterns privately, without any family judgment. Sometimes, seeing your dynamic on a screen helps you realize that the problem isn't your partner—it's the pattern you are both stuck in.

The privacy paradox: "Log kya kahenge?"

One of the biggest hurdles for Indian couples is the lack of privacy—both physical and emotional. In joint families, walls are thin, and doors are rarely locked. You can't have a loud argument, and you definitely can't have a deep, vulnerable conversation without worrying about who is listening.

This leads to the "privacy paradox": you are constantly surrounded by people, yet you feel incredibly lonely in your relationship. You bottle up your feelings because "what will people say?" if they hear you fighting. This silence is dangerous. It turns solvable problems into permanent walls between you and your partner.

When you can't fight openly, you fight passively. You withdraw. You make sarcastic comments. You withhold affection. These are all signs of a relationship suffocating under the weight of public image. Breaking this cycle requires finding a safe space—physically and emotionally—where you can be real with each other.

Practical ways to heal resentment

If you are nodding along to this, know that resentment doesn't have to be the end of your story. Here is how to start clearing the air:

• Have the "Expectations Conversation": Sit down and explicitly list out what you expect from each other regarding finances, chores, and family time. Don't assume they know. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
• Set boundaries with love: You can respect your elders while protecting your marriage. It is okay to say, "We need this weekend for just the two of us." Frame it as "us time" rather than "away from them" time.
• Create a "complaint ritual": Dedicate 15 minutes a week to vent safely without judgment. It prevents the pressure cooker effect. The rule is: you can complain, but you can't attack.
• Validate, don't solve: Sometimes, your partner just needs to hear, "I know it's hard living with my parents," rather than a solution. Validation is often the antidote to resentment.

Conclusion

Resentment in Indian relationships is often a byproduct of trying to keep everyone else happy at the cost of your own happiness. But 53% of Indians still consider their relationship with their spouse as their greatest source of happiness. You can get back to that joy. It starts with acknowledging that your feelings are valid, even if they go against tradition. You don't have to be the perfect couple; you just have to be a real one.