Stop waiting: how to ask "what are we?" without scaring them

The silent struggle: why we avoid the talk

Youre lying in bed together. Its perfect. But in your head? Complete chaos.

"Are we exclusive? Should I ask? What if they freak out? Maybe I should wait. But Ive been waiting for months. What if theyre seeing other people? What if Im wasting my time?"

You want to ask. The question is right there on your tongue: "So... what are we?"

But you swallow it down. Again. Because what if asking ruins everything? Heres the truth: that fear? Its keeping you stuck in a relationship that may never become what you truly want. And the longer you postpone this crucial conversation, the harder it gets to finally have it.

We avoid "the talk" for a bunch of reasons. Fear of rejection often tops the list. What if they dont want the same thing? What if they say no? The thought alone can be paralyzing. Then theres the fear of seeming "too much" or "too needy." Were often taught, subtly or directly, that expressing our needs makes us difficult or high-maintenance. Theres a societal pressure to be chill, to go with the flow, and that wanting commitment is somehow... desperate or uncool.

And finally, theres the powerful pull of hope. We hope that if we just wait a little longer, be a little more patient, give a little more of ourselves... theyll naturally decide they want to commit. Theyll be the one to bring it up. We wont have to be the "difficult" one. But heres the harsh reality: hoping and passively waiting is often the most dangerous strategy of all. Because every month you spend hoping is a month you couldve spent with someone whos actually ready and enthusiastic about building a future with you. Research shows that 71% of people wish they had more information about how to discuss big relationship topics and conflict, with 68% of women and 73% of men saying they struggled with these conversations. Youre definitely not alone in this struggle, but staying silent wont get you the answers you deserve. If youre finding communication tough, our guide to understanding why communication breaks down can offer more insights and help you build a stronger foundation.

When to have the commitment conversation

So, when is the right time to finally ask "what are we?" Theres no magic clock that chimes, but there are clear, undeniable indicators that its time to get clarity. Ignoring these signs only leads to more anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and potential resentment that can slowly poison a budding relationship.

• Youre investing significant time and energy: If youre spending most weekends together, talking daily, sharing intimate details, and your lives are becoming increasingly intertwined, its more than fair to know where you stand. This isnt just casual dating anymore; its a substantial part of your life.
• Youre confused about where you stand: Do you introduce them as your "friend" or something more? Do they do the same for you? This persistent confusion is a huge red flag that needs addressing. Ambiguity breeds insecurity, and a healthy relationship thrives on clarity.
• Youre making decisions based on their potential commitment: Are you turning down other dates, delaying career moves, holding back on other life plans, or even putting off personal goals because youre waiting for them to commit? Stop. Your life should never be on hold for someone elses indecision. Your future is too important to be dictated by uncertainty.
• Youre starting to feel resentful: If youre feeling used, undervalued, angry that your needs arent being met, or simply exhausted by the emotional limbo, its definitely time to talk. Resentment is a silent relationship killer, eroding affection and trust over time. Dont let it fester.

Remember, clarity about commitment is fundamental to relationship development and quality. Studies indicate that relationship commitment is defined as the intention to maintain a relationship over time, and clarity about commitment is fundamental to relationship development and quality. Dont let uncertainty erode your peace of mind or steal your valuable time. Your emotional well-being depends on understanding where you stand.

How to actually start the conversation

Okay, youre ready. But how do you actually open this Pandoras Box without sounding demanding, desperate, or like youre giving an ultimatum? The key is to approach it with dignity, clarity, and a firm focus on your own needs and desires. This isnt about cornering them; its about communicating your truth and seeing if it aligns with theirs. Youre simply gathering information to make an informed decision about your own future.

Here are a few script examples, inspired by approaches that maintain your power and self-worth, while being respectful of their perspective:

1. The "Im ready for something serious" approach:

   "Ive really enjoyed our time together, and Im starting to feel like this is becoming something serious for me. Im at a point in my life where Im looking for a committed, exclusive relationship. I wanted to check in and see if were on the same page about that, or if youre looking for something different."

   Why it works: Youre stating your position clearly and confidently without making demands. Youre opening the door for their honest response, whatever it may be, and showing respect for their autonomy. This approach puts your needs on the table without blame.

2. The "I value clarity" approach:

   "I truly value what we have, and I want to make sure were both clear on our expectations for the future. For me, Im ready for an exclusive relationship, and I wanted to see if that aligns with what youre looking for right now. Im not trying to rush anything, but clarity is genuinely important to me for my peace of mind."

   Why it works: It frames the conversation around mutual understanding and respect, rather than just your needs. It also subtly preempts any accusations of rushing things by emphasizing your need for clarity, which is a reasonable and mature desire.

3. The "future-focused" approach:

   "I really enjoy spending time with you, and I can see a potential future for us that excites me. Im curious to know what your thoughts are on where this is going for you. Ultimately, Im looking for a partner to build a life with, and I want to make sure were both heading in a similar direction with our relationship goals."

   Why it works: This is a softer, more inviting approach that encourages them to share their vision without feeling pressured by a direct "exclusive" label. It clearly communicates your long-term intentions and invites them to consider their own.

Choose the script that feels most natural and authentic to you. The key is to be calm, confident, and prepared for any answer. Your dignity comes from knowing what you want and being brave enough to ask for it, regardless of the outcome.

What happens after you ask (the 3 possible responses)

Youve asked the question. Now what? The waiting can be agonizing, filled with anticipation and anxiety. However, understanding the three main responses can help you prepare emotionally and react with grace, self-respect, and a clear head.

1. They want commitment too (the best-case scenario)

   Hooray! This is exactly what you hoped for. Theyre excited, relieved, and genuinely ready to move forward with you. Celebrate this moment! This is a beautiful foundation for a stronger, more secure relationship. Take the time to discuss what commitment truly means to both of you. Is it exclusivity? Meeting families? Future planning like moving in together or discussing marriage? Make sure youre both on the same page about the next steps and what this new level of commitment entails. This shared understanding will prevent future misunderstandings.

2. Theyre not sure yet (the "lets wait and see" scenario)

   This is often the trickiest and most emotionally draining response. They might say they like you a lot but arent ready for a label, or they need more time to figure things out. While its perfectly okay for someone to need a little time to process, you need to protect your own time and emotional energy from endless limbo. Relationship studies found that commitment readiness—the subjective sense that now is the right time to be committed—significantly moderates the link between relationship status and psychological well-being. If theyre unsure, its crucial to set a clear, respectful timeline. Say something like, "I understand you might need time to think, but for my own peace of mind and to plan my future, I need to know if this is something youre actively working towards. Can we revisit this conversation in [2-4 weeks]? If by then were still unsure about our direction, Ill need to re-evaluate whats best for me." This gives them space but also protects you from an indefinite wait. Our guide on relationship levels explains why commitment requires an intentional conversation, not just passive waiting.

3. They dont want commitment (the hard truth scenario)

   This is undoubtedly tough to hear, but its also a profound gift of clarity. They might explicitly say theyre not looking for anything serious, or they genuinely dont see a future with you. It hurts, deeply, but now you know the truth. Your response here is crucial for maintaining your self-respect and dignity. Say, "I appreciate your honesty. While thats not what I was hoping to hear, I respect your decision. Im looking for a committed relationship, so I need to move forward in a way that aligns with my goals." Then, you gracefully exit the situation. Youre not losing them; youre gaining your freedom to find someone who actually wants what you want and is ready to build a future with you. According to research on couples, nearly half of cohabiting couples showed large differences between partners in dedication levels, and these differences were associated with lower relationship adjustment regardless of overall dedication. This highlights why clarity and alignment are so incredibly important for long-term happiness.

Tools that make hard conversations easier

The commitment conversation doesnt have to come out of nowhere, feeling like a sudden ambush. You can actually "test the waters" and get a much better sense of your partners expectations, values, and communication style long before you even bring up the big talk. Understanding each others love languages, future goals, and how you typically handle disagreements can significantly reduce the anxiety and uncertainty surrounding asking "what are we?"

When you already have a baseline understanding of where you align (or dont), the direct conversation becomes less scary and more like a confirmation. Youre not walking in blind; you have some valuable clues about their readiness and perspective. This "pre-work" helps you tailor your approach, anticipate their potential responses, and makes the whole process feel more manageable and less like a high-stakes gamble. It transforms a daunting interrogation into a natural progression of understanding.

If youre looking for a fun, low-pressure, and engaging way to explore these sensitive topics and understand your partners expectations before the big talk, BaeDrops Epic Vibes quizzes are a fantastic starting point. They let you surface preferences, values, and expectations playfully, making the serious conversation less daunting because you already have a clearer picture of where you might align. Its like having a sneak peek into their relationship blueprint, making the actual conversation feel much more informed and less intimidating.

Conclusion

Having the commitment conversation is one of the bravest and most self-respecting things you can do for yourself and your relationship. Its about valuing your time, your feelings, and your future. While the fear of rejection is undeniably real, the freedom, clarity, and peace of mind that come from asking are far more valuable than staying stuck in prolonged uncertainty and emotional limbo.

Remember, you absolutely deserve a relationship that meets your needs, aligns with your goals, and brings you genuine happiness. Dont let fear dictate your romantic journey or hold you back from the partnership you truly desire. Be clear, be confident, and be ready for whatever answer comes your way. Your self-worth isnt tied to their response; its intrinsically tied to your courage to ask and to prioritize your own well-being.

Want to test the waters before the big talk? BaeDrops Epic Vibes help you discover each others expectations the fun way—start now.